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The negative impact of peer pressure can be strong - but are there positive influences on your teenager’s life, too?

It’s quite normal for teenagers to want to copy their friends - whether it’s wearing certain clothes or listening to a particular type of music.

This can be hard for parents, who are used to having the major say in their child’s life, but it’s natural for young people to want to work out their own ideas, and in this regard, friendships become more important than ever.

For boys, friends act primarily as companions, people with whom they can play football, share a joke, hang out and listen to music. For girls, friends are people with whom they can share secrets and share worries and anxieties.

Many parents find friendships during adolescence worrying because they fear that friends will be a bad influence. But without them it’s more difficult to learn about social skills and relationships.

Try to accept the key role that friends play, and find ways of encouraging rather than disapproving of the friends that your child brings home.

Responding to peer pressure

Not all teenagers respond in the same way to peer-group pressure: young people aged 11 to 14 appear to be more influenced by it than older teenagers, for example.

Some teenagers are simply more independent than others and can withstand pressure better. Research indicates that teenagers who receive little support at home are the most likely to be influenced by the peer group.

Parents and older siblings can provide ammunition to help a young person withstand pressure from friends or from the wider peer group.

For example, there may be pressure to engage in sexual behaviour earlier than your teenager wants - but good sex education at school, and strong support from family, can help resist it.

A good friend (or more) is also crucial and can help your teen get things in perspective. In the best of cases they may also be able to stand up together against the peer group; two people can resist pressure much easier than one.

Becoming a dad will obviously change your life. Here are some ideas on preparing for the changes ahead of you.

Talk to other dads

Knowing that you’re going to be a dad is a momentous experience but one that brings lots of questions. Do I feel ready to be a father? How will we cope financially? Will the baby and my partner be OK?

These worries are all perfectly natural, but you may find that it helps to talk to other dads, or even your own, most of them will have asked themselves the same questions.

Antenatal classes

It’s a good idea to find out what you’re in for at the birth, so consider going to antenatal classes with your partner.

What to expect

Don’t expect your baby to arrive on its due date - it’s only a rough guide. Although 40 weeks is the norm, don’t be surprised if it happens a week or two earlier and going beyond 40 weeks is pretty common too.

It should be fairly obvious when your partner is in labour but signs to watch out for include:

Lower back pain sometimes accompanied by cramp

Contractions become more frequent and intense

Some blood-tinged discharge, which might include mucus

When labour starts

If her waters break there’s no need to panic. This is the release of the amniotic fluid from the womb prior to birth. Call the maternity unit and ask for their advice. Some will ask you to come in, others will just say keep in touch.

If you’re worried that things are happening much too fast, or if you have any other cause for concern, call an ambulance.

If you’re driving your partner to the hospital, it’s a good idea to plan the route in advance and make sure you have enough change for parking - you don’t want your car to be clamped while you’re in the labour ward.

In our busy lives, time can often seem in short supply so it’s important that couples make the most of their time together

On rainy days

1. Clear out the garage, attic, cupboards or wardrobes* - it really doesn’t matter as long as you do it together.

2. Go charity shopping. While away the hours browsing for books, CDs, games, retro clothing, bric-a-brac. You could try a carboot sale or trawl round some antique shops.

3. Get some exercise. Go swimming or enjoy a walk in the rain.

4. Enjoy a movie marathon.* Visit the video shop, stack up on snacks and spend the day being film critics.

5. Visit an art gallery. Find an exhibition in your area.

6. Step back in time and visit a museum. Many of the buildings themselves deserve a look and you never know you might learn something at the same time!

8. Discover yourself. Bookshops and the internet offer a wealth of personal-profiling tools, which can help you find out your personality type, your IQ or your relationship style.

9. Make something,* such as a coffee table, some shelves, a bird table, pottery dishes, vases, face sculpture, candles or soap. Craft shops are full of ideas.

10. Go to the football or rugby.* Even if you’re not into the sport, you’ll find the atmosphere electric. Especially if your team is playing their arch rivals!

11. Have an evening of pick’n'mix. Take a look at the TV and create a night of entertainment.

On sunny days

12. Go for a stroll* - anywhere you like.

13. Take a hike. Find a nice big hill and see who can fall into an exhausted heap at the top first.

14. Go for a bike ride.* Like walking, cycling can be energetic or gentle - it’s up to you. But either way it’s sure to give your health a boost!

15. Hire a boat. Choose from an energetic canoe ride, a romantic row down the river or the wind in your hair in a sailing boat.

16. Visit the park.* Spend the day on the swings or play a game of tennis.

17. Take to horseback. Look in your local directory for places that offer riding lessons (you may need to book in advance). Or better still, along a beautiful beach!

18. Be risky. Try some exptreme sports - skydiving, rock climbing, potholing, ballooning, motor racing… the list is endless. (You’ll definitely need to book ahead, though.)

19. Visit a stately home.* You might even get some inspiration for your own love nest!

20. Obey your animal instincts by visiting a zoo or farm.* Relax as you wander round the park. And if you don’t like spiders you can always go and talk to the monkeys!

21. Remember the picnic.* To make all the above even more enjoyable, don’t forget to pack some gorgeous food and wine.

At the weekend

22. Walk this way - the Cotswold Way, the South Downs Way, the Milky Way…

23. Go youth hostelling.* There are many hostels around catering for individuals, couples and families - and they’re cheap. Can you guess where?

24. Take a city break. Look at Kenya options as well as those in in other countries.

25. Book a themed weekend break. There are plenty of options, from murder mystery tours to salsa dancing to yoga.

26. Go camping,* either in your own back garden or at one of the hundreds of specialised sites around the country. Staying put will give your children the chance to learn more about their surroundings…

27. Visit friends or relatives.* Take the chance to spend time with people in another part of the country. If they can’t put you up for the night, book into a B&B.

28. Indulge and pamper yourself at a health farm.

29. Pick any room in your house and give it a complete makeover.

30. Spring clean the house or give your garden a serious sort out. Make sure you take regular breaks and treat yourself to a delicious takeaway or meal out in the evening.

When the children are in bed

31. Play games, whether they’re board games, computer games, card games or naughty games…

32. Work your mind with brain-teasers, jigsaw puzzles, crosswords or quiz books. See how your IQ rates against the rest of the nation!

33. Pamper each other. Give your partner a massage, manicure and pedicure. We all need a little pampering sometimes!

34. Rent a film to suit your mood, be it a comedy, weepy, romance or horror movie.

35. Star gaze. Lie in the garden and see if you can name the constellations.

36. Have a blind food tasting.

37. Enjoy a romantic dinner for two: light those candles, put on some soft music and get out the posh crockery. As if you needed an excuse to indulge!

38. Have a picnic in the garden.

39. Put on a themed evening.

40. Drag out the duvet, make two cups of hot chocolate and snuggle up on the sofa or in front of the fire.

41. Read the same book and compare notes.

42. Dig out the photos and enjoy a night of nostalgia. Or if you want to get more involved, why not take some of your own portraits? You could be the next icon!

43. Try a new recipe together. Have a go at Thai, Indian, Greek - whatever tickles your taste buds.

44. Learn a language.

45. Go internet shopping.Why not treat each other to a surprise? Buy online and then wait for it to arrive!

46. Compose something: a poem, a story or - if you’re feeling musical - a song.

For an evening out

47. Go to the theatre. It could be the Palladium or, if the budget’s tight, your local am-dram group. Find out what’s near you or pack your overnight bag and make a weekend of it!

48. Get some exercise. Go swimming or to the gym, or play a game of badminton or squash.

49. Have an evening of ten-pin bowling.* Or join your local bowling club. Many are opening their doors to a wider range of participants!

50. Attend a concert. Try something different, such as jazz, classical or rock.

51. Go to the dogs* - but agree before you go how much you’re willing to lose in bets.

52. Enjoy a few drinks at your local pub, and keep a look out for quiz nights and local bands. They say music is the food of love!

53. Join an evening class. There’s a huge range available, from poetry and dancing, to local history, cooking and wine tasting.

54. Have a leisurely dinner. Whether it’s cheap and cheerful or top-class nosh, enjoy the chance for uninterrupted conversation.

55. Go to the cinema. Slip into the back row and enjoy the latest blockbuster.

When you’ve only got an hour to spare

56. Have a fight* - with balloons or pillows rather than words. Or if you’re worried to be more loving, why not indulge in some sensual touching…

57. Have a bath with oodles of bubbles.

58. Eat in bed, whether it’s breakfast time or not. Make it all the more special by preparing an aphrodisiac meal!

59. Use your limited time to plan what you’ll do when you have a whole evening to yourselves.

60. Start researching your family tree, then add to it every time you have an hour to spare.

61. Bake a cake* or anything you’ll enjoy eating together.

62. Do a fitness video together, whether it’s aerobics, Pilates or yoga.

63. Do an online quiz.

Romantic gestures

64. Say “I love you”

65. Give each other a hug

66. Leave a love note, in a briefcase or on the TV screen. Or request a love song on the radio.

67. Blow a kiss - or just start flirting outrageously!

68. Give flowers.

69. Keep in touch. When you’re apart, send a text or email, or pick up the phone.

70. Write “I love you” in lipstick on the mirror or in glow-in-the-dark chalk on the front wall.

* Child-compatible activities (depending on the age of the child)

The ‘eatwell plate’ helps people get the appropriate balance of foods and nutrients in their daily diet.

Eat a healthy, balanced diet and stay active

The key to a healthy balanced diet is not to ban or omit any foods or food groups but to balance what you eat by consuming a variety of foods from each food group in the right proportions for good health.

The five food groups on the eatwell plate are:

Fruit and vegetables

These should make up about a third of your daily diet and can be eaten as part of every meal, as well as being the first choice for a snack.

You should eat at least five portions of fruit and vegetables each day. Research suggests this can help to protect against cancer, obesity and various chronic diseases such as heart disease. This is because of the unique package of nutrients and plant compounds they contain.

Bread, rice, potatoes and pasta

This food group should also make up about a third of your diet and contains the starchy carbohydrates that are the body’s main source of energy.

When selecting products from this food group, choose unrefined carbohydrates over those that have been refined, as they will contain the whole of the grain. Wholegrain foods are rich in fibre and other nutrients that have many health benefits, and people who consume wholegrains seem to have a reduced risk of certain cancers, diabetes and coronary heart disease.

The final third of the eatwell plate is made up of three groups containing foods that need to be consumed in smaller proportions than the other two principal categories. These food groups also contain nutrients essential to our diet, so it’s important not to leave them out altogether.

Milk and dairy foods

These should be eaten in moderation because of their high saturated fat content, but they’re an important source of calcium, which is essential for healthy bones and teeth. Choose low-fat or reduced-fat versions.

Meat, fish, eggs and beans

This food group includes both animal and plant sources of protein, which is a major functional and structural component of all cells. Protein provides the body with between 10 and 15 per cent of its dietary energy, and is needed for growth and repair.

Foods and drinks high in fat and/or sugar

This group makes up the smallest section on the eatwell plate and includes foods that should only be eaten sparingly because, although they’re an important energy source, they contain very few nutrients and are often known as ‘empty calories’.

Foods from this group are high in unhealthy components such as saturated fat, trans fatty acids, sugar and salt - all of which are associated with an increased risk of developing certain diseases.

They should only be eaten as occasional treats, or to increase the palatability of other important foods (such as olive oil on salads, a scraping of spread on bread, or a sprinkling of sugar on some tart fruits).

How to eat a balanced diet

Eat a variety of foods to obtain all of the essential nutrients

Too much as well as too little can be bad for you – balance is required

Everyone’s plate will look slightly different as we all have different requirements depending on our body’s shape and size, and our levels of activity.

Although living together is now acceptable, 60 per cent of cohabiting couples still get married after a few years. This article looks at why we still marry in the face of divorce statistics and how to make sure it’s the right choice for you.

“Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution yet” - Mae West

Good reasons to marry

Because you’re in love. Although love shouldn’t be the only reason to marry, it’s an important ingredient in the most successful relationships.

To make a commitment. You’ve decided that you want to be together forever, knowing each other’s faults and failings.

It’s part of your culture. The ceremony of marriage is an integral part of your cultural or religious beliefs and an essential part of your core value system.

To start a family. You’ve both enjoyed a secure and committed relationship for some time and feel marriage is the best environment in which to bring up children.

To celebrate. Because you want your family and friends to share with you in your happiness and commitment as a couple.

It’s the right time. You have a solid and secure relationship and it feels like the logical next step.

Bad reasons to marry

To make your relationship secure. If your relationship isn’t secure before you marry, there’s no reason to think it will be afterwards. It may be harder for you to separate after marriage, but that doesn’t mean you’ll be happy.

Fear of being alone. Some people marry because they’re scared that no one else will have them. Remember, it’s better to be left on the shelf than spend your whole life in the wrong cupboard.

For the children. It’s true that, on the whole, children benefit from living with two parents, but marrying purely for your child is unlikely to create a happy home environment.

You want a big wedding. The big white wedding may seem like a fairy tale come true, but it only lasts a day. Marriage is (supposed to be) for life.

To recover from divorce. Some people want a second marriage to help them to get over the first - to prove that they’re OK. But those feelings must come from within.

You may have many more reasons why you want to marry. The most important thing is that you and your partner have fully discussed your reasons and that you’re both confident you share the same motivation and intentions.

Fears and expectations

As well as looking at your reasons for getting married it’s important to look at what you expect from married life. Some people blame current divorce rates on the fact that people expect too much from marriage, but this isn’t necessarily the case.

As long as you both share the same expectations, you can work together to achieve them. But if you both expect different things, one of you will always be disappointed.

Your expectations and fears may be influenced by many things, including experiences of friends, previous relationships and media images. But one of the most powerful influences will be your family.

As small children we learn about relationships by watching our parents. These messages often sink deep into our unconscious mind, waiting to pop up when we become wives or husbands ourselves.

It’s perfectly natural to have doubts and fears about getting married - it’s one of the biggest decisions we make in our lives. But as long as you and your partner can openly share your feelings, support and reassure each other, chances are you’re on the right track.

Most people list being faithful as one of the top three essentials in a successful relationship. But the fact is, people cheat. This article looks at why people have affairs and whether it’s possible for a relationship to survive one.

Why affairs happen

There are as many reasons why people have affairs as there are people. But usually an affair is an external sign of an internal desire for change. Something in the person’s life or the relationship isn’t OK - and the affair creates the trigger for change.

Affairs aren’t only about sex. In fact, relationship experts maintain that any intimate activity between two people that breaches the trust of a partner constitutes an affair.

Is your relationship at risk?

Here are some common causes of affairs

Relationship problems - if you’re unhappy in your relationship you’ll be more tempted to look elsewhere.

Boredom - if you’re bored with your life, an affair may seem like an adventure.

Low self-esteem - you may need reassurance that you’re attractive and loveable.

Types of affairs

Although there are many reasons for affairs, most fall into one of four categories:

The boat-rocking affair - when one partner has an underlying dissatisfaction with the relationship. The affair is an unconscious way of drawing attention to the problem and bringing things into the open.

The exit affair - when an affair is used to get out of a relationship. Rather than confront the fact that a relationship isn’t working, an affair forces the issue.

The thrill affair - the illicit nature of an affair brings with it an adrenaline rush. Add to that the excitement of sex with someone new and the romantic trimmings of a fresh relationship, and it can seem irresistible.

The three’s company affair - can go on for years; it can also describe a string of successive affairs. Some people find it difficult to commit to one person; they feel stifled by monogamy and fear putting all their emotional eggs in one basket. Having a third person on the scene can provide an outlet for difficult emotions.

Tips to help avoid affairs

Be open - honesty is the key to avoiding affairs. Share any temptations with your partner and agree to support each other.

Be close - build and maintain emotional and sexual intimacy in your relationship. The closer you are, the stronger you are.

Be smart - don’t slip into complacency: everyone is vulnerable to temptation.

Be alert - if you find yourself feeling attracted to someone, take action to avoid getting any closer.

Behave - if you’d describe yourself as a natural flirt, remember: if you don’t want to get burned, don’t play with fire.

When affairs are discovered

Whether the discovery of an affair is gradual or sudden, shock is the first emotion you’re likely to experience.

When the shock wears off, you may be left with feelings of anger, sadness, confusion and perhaps embarrassment, especially if you were the one being unfaithful.

Most people find themselves wondering how this could have happened and questioning whether there can be any future for their relationship.

Surviving the affair

Trust is essential for a healthy relationship, and it’s something we often take for granted until it’s gone. If you’re the one that’s had the affair, you’ll need to work hard at reassuring your partner that it’s them you truly love and that you’ve learnt from your mistake.

If you’re the one who’s been cheated, you may find yourself asking questions for a long time. But as time passes, you’ll find yourself feeling more secure and confident about your relationship.

Trust only takes a moment to break, but much, much longer to rebuild. At first it may feel that your relationship will never recover, but with hard work and patience it can survive. An affair always signals a turning point in a relationship - but it doesn’t have to signal the end.

Every relationship needs a solid foundation if it’s to survive all life can throw at it. This article looks at the seven essentials that spell success.

1. Love yourself

Unless you love yourself, it’s hard for you to believe that anyone else will.

Self-esteem is important for a healthy relationship. When you truly like yourself, in spite of any failings and weaknesses you may have, you’ll feel confident. And when you feel confident and secure within yourself, you can enjoy being with your partner for the joy they bring to your life, not because you feel you need them to survive.

If you’ve had bad experiences in the past, it’s worth working through these issues with a trusted friend or counsellor. It can be tempting to lean on your partner and rely on them for reassurance, but the stronger you are as an individual, the stronger and more equal your relationship will be

2. Like your partner

Healthy relationships happen between two people who really like each other. It may be more romantic to talk about love, but it’s important to remember that love is an emotion that comes and goes.

If you genuinely like each other, enjoy being together, agree with how each other thinks and behaves, and share the same dreams in life, then loving feelings will never be too far away.

It’s important to tell your partner you like them, too. Warm words of encouragement and support build trust and respect. Add the odd compliment as well and you’ll be helping to boost their self-esteem.

3. Make quality time

The importance of things can be measured by the amount of time we’re willing to give them. When a couple first gets together, they instinctively prioritise their relationship. But as time goes by and life gets busier with work and children, time together often slips down the list of priorities.

If you don’t spend regular quality time together, chances are you’ll drift apart. Making such time for each other may mean sacrificing other activities, but remember it’s an investment in your future happiness.

4. Communicate

Good communication is essential for a healthy relationship. It’s the only way you can tell your partner who you are, what you want and why you behave the way you do. Talking is the way we let each other into our private worlds.

Communicating better is about learning to say openly and honestly exactly what you think and feel. It also means listening to your partner without judgement.

5. Argue well

It’s important to accept that arguments are a normal part of a relationship. We’re all unique and so we’re bound to have our differences.

Couples who argue well don’t have to worry about not always agreeing. A good argument is an opportunity to share your feelings and strengthen your bond by reaching a decision you’re both happy with. It can be an experience that leaves you both feeling more confident about your relationship and brings you closer together.

6. Touch every day

Touching is a vital human need. Studies have shown that without touching, many animals - including humans - will die in childhood. Being caressed also lowers blood pressure and releases natural opiates in the brain, as well as the chemical oxytocin, which is essential for human pair-bonding.

Touch has the power to comfort and support, to protect and encourage, to relax and, of course, to arouse. Every couple knows their sex life may have dry periods, but our need for physical affection never changes.

7. Accept change

People change over the years and it’s these changes that can keep a relationship alive. Life changes too - and not always in ways that we want.

Change can provide opportunities for growth and intimacy, but it can also be painful. It may mean adjusting to a new way of thinking or a new way of life. It may also mean letting go of things that have been familiar and safe.

In successful relationships, couples learn to adapt and change together. They accept that change is an inevitable part of human life and support each other, for better for worse.

Keeping all seven principles going isn’t easy, but the more you can manage on a regular basis, the stronger your relationships will be.

Why you fall in love

As well as physical attraction, many people are drawn to someone who shares the same interests. This article explores why we fall in love with some people and not with others.

In some relationships, arguments always seem one sided - with one partner making all the noise as the other quietly calms the storm. It’s possible they both have a problem expressing their feelings, but together they’re able to reassure each other that emotions are being managed. Different couples will experience it in different ways, but that inexplicable feeling of wholeness you have when you’re together is what Henry Dicks, a guru in relationship psychotherapy, called the ‘unconscious fit’.

Unconscious fit

All of us carry with us a psychological blueprint, holding details about our life experiences and the marks they’ve left. It contains information we often haven’t acknowledged about our fears and anxieties and our coping mechanisms and defences.

Each of us has an unconscious capacity to scan another person’s blueprint. The people we’re most attracted to are those who have a blueprint that complements our own. We’re looking for similarities of experience but, more significantly, we’re also looking for differences.

Opposites attract

The purpose of this unconscious fit is to find someone who can complement our experiences. That might be someone who’s the same as us, but most commonly we’re looking for someone from whom we can learn; someone who has developed coping mechanisms that are different from our own.

The ideal partner will be someone who has struggled with similar life issues, but has developed another way of managing it. It seems that our other half is often our best chance of becoming psychologically whole.

Although no two relationships are ever the same, psychologists have noticed that there are some common types of unconscious fit. Do you recognise any of these?

Parent and child - this type of couple often has shared issues with dependency and trust. One partner copes with those issues by behaving in a childlike way. Their hidden belief is that if they remain insecure, dependent and needy their partner will look after them. Their partner takes on the role of parent and by doing so is able to deny their own needs for dependency as they’re acted out by the other.

Master and slave - this couple has a problem with authority and control. One partner may feel very insecure if they’re ever subordinate, so they’re bossy and take charge of every household circumstance. Their partner, who fears responsibility, dutifully toes the line while smugly comparing what they describe as their laid-back attitude to their partner’s control-freak attitude.

Distancer and pursuer - both partners are afraid of intimacy but have found their perfect match. The unspoken agreement is that one of them will keep chasing and nagging the other one for more intimacy while the other runs away. Occasionally the chase will swap round.

Idol and worshipper - when one partner insists on putting the other on a pedestal, this often indicates an issue with competition. To avoid any form of comparison, both partners unconsciously agree to play this game.

There are two other common types of fit based on finding a partner who has a similar problem and a similar way of coping.

Babes in the wood - you may have seen this couple around. They look alike and often wear matching sweaters. They share the same interests and, more importantly, they dislike the same things. They keep anything bad out of their perfect relationship by joining forces against the big, bad world outside.

Cat and dog - on the surface these partners look as though they should never have even met. They argue incessantly over anything. They both avoid intimacy by living in a war zone.

You may see elements of your relationship in all of these types. As we progress through our relationships, it’s not uncommon to slip into a certain pattern of behaviour. For example, in a time of illness and vulnerability you may act out the parent and child model, while many couples become like babes in the wood following the birth of a child.

Good or bad chemistry?

All fits serve a psychological purpose designed to protect ourselves from discomfort. Most couples aren’t aware of their fit until something happens to change it. We all grow and mature, our needs change and our relationships need to adapt to those changes.

Problems may start when one or both partners feell they are no longer able to communicate their feelings and alter patterns of behaviour that are now outdated. If you think that may be happening in your relationship

Further help

If this article has raised some difficult issues for you then try talking it through with a partner or trusted friend. Alternatively you may want to consider counselling.

If you’re tired of life as a singleton then it can pay to be a bit more original when you meet a potential date. Initiating conversation can be difficult - we all want to avoid cheesy chat up lines. But done right, chatting someone up can be a lot of fun.

Approach scenarios

You have to create opportunities where you can subtly talk to someone without it feeling like you’re chatting them up!

This means thinking of ‘approach scenarios’ rather than just chat-up lines. Create a situation where you can start a conversation and be adventurous in the way you go about it. It doesn’t have to be in a bar, party or club, supermarkets are also ideal places to meet people.

Make sure you’re looking good; prepare yourself as if you are going out (dress accordingly, even if it’s only a supermarket you still want to look the business).

Choose a trolley rather than a basket as this offers you more mobility. Scrutinise the trolleys and baskets of fellow shoppers - when you notice the frozen meal for one or a lone bottle of chardonnay make your approach.

The wine section is always a good choice. Ice breakers you could use are: “Excuse me, sorry to interrupt but I’m cooking pasta tonight and only usually drink white wine - my guests are all into red, can you recommend something?” or “Excuse me (again ’sorry to interrupt’ shows good manners, another attractive quality) I wonder if you can help me, I know nothing about white wine could you recommend something to go with salmon steaks?”.

Now you have instigated the conversation, the wheels are in motion!

A note for men

Take care when chatting women up that you don’t come on too strong as a woman on her own could find this intimidating. Also, women are naturally more helpful and ready to assist and don’t mind providing assistance altruistically without a need for gain or reward. While seeking advice make sure you’re getting the ’she’s interested signals’ and not in ‘general help mode’. Tracey Cox’s feature on flirting and the five secret sexual signals should help you in this department - see Related Links.

A note for women

It’s important to remember that men function on a different level to women. If they’re attracted to you or interested they’ll not only talk about the wine, they’ll enquire about the dish you’re cooking and find any excuse to keep the conversation going.

Match your listener’s mood

One third of initial impressions come from how we say things. The tone, inflection and delivery are very important. (Tracey Cox’s feature on body language and the five secret sexual signals has more about this.)

One of the key things in initiating conversation is to match your listener’s mood, even if it’s just for a moment, because misreading this can kill the conversation from the outset.

When you approach someone who’s caught your eye you have to make a quick judgement. Gauge whether they’re buoyant, quiet or bored and then adjust your tone accordingly.

Also, your approach will have to be a little different, depending on where you are. In the park for instance, you need to have a light and easy banter - “Where’s the café or pavilion?” whereas in a pub or club you can be a bit more cheeky and flirty.

Five tips for success

1. Avoid cheesy chat up lines and focus more on ‘approach scenarios’.

2. Ask questions and show a genuine interest in what the other person is saying.

3. Match your listener’s mood.

4. Having engaged your potential date in conversation don’t over-stay your welcome. Remember less is more!

5. When you’ve secured the phone number of your potential date it’s a good idea to text message them (if they have a mobile). Texting means there is no pressure on either side.

It’s important to understand that for at least their first six months, children have no concept of actions as ‘naughty’.

It’s a learning curve A young baby is unable to work out that crying can annoy you and they can’t decide to stop because you’re upset or angry.

When your baby touches the video or TV controls, it’s because they’re exploring and trying to learn how things work - they’ve no idea it might irritate adults.

Even as your baby gets a little older, she’ll still have a very short memory. Once something has happened, it’s ‘over’ for babies. They won’t remember that yesterday you told them not to do a particular thing.

It’s natural for babies to be curious about the world around them. They’ll do most exploring by touch and can’t resist touching TV sets, photo frames, ornaments or anything within reach. ‘Baby proofing’ your home is a good way to prevent accidents and help you keep your sanity in their early exploring days. See our feature Keeping baby safe.

Key points about guiding your baby It’s not possible to ’spoil’ young babies - when they cry they need immediate attention, so don’t hold back.

Babies cannot be ‘naughty’ in the sense of doing things on purpose to upset you.

Under-ones do not have very long-term memories. Just because you told your baby yesterday not to do something, it doesn’t mean she won’t be tempted to try it over and over again today - she simply can’t help herself. She may be interested in your reaction… over and over again.

If you want to stop your baby doing something, the best way is quickly to distract and divert her on to a different activity. If you offer a toy, she should happily hand over the keys you need. If you take her to the window to see what’s happening outside, she’ll quickly forget that the video was her next adventure. If your baby is trying to eat your cat’s food, pick her up and offer something more suitable!

Actions always speak loudest. Distraction works better than shouting, telling off or smacking.

Introducing limits and guiding As babies get a bit older - about nine months to one year - you can start to guide them. You can begin to teach your baby the behaviour you expect and the difference between right and wrong. Even when your baby begins to understand what is meant by “no”, she won’t always do what you want. She won’t really understand how others feel for a long time yet, and can’t work out that what she’s doing could make you cross - so there’s absolutely no point in punishments.

Praise your baby - she still won’t understand why certain things seem to upset you. Giving plenty of praise and attention to the behaviour you do like and want to encourage works better than telling off about behaviour you don’t like. If you have to say “no”, keep it to times when you need a quick reaction - for example, when your child is about to touch something hot. If you say “no” a lot your baby will get used to it and won’t react. Remember, babies will think “no” is a game if you end up laughing when you say it.

Be consistent - keep rules and limits the same from day to day. Build routines, such as regular mealtimes and bedtimes; these help your baby understand what you want.

Be positive - your baby will learn how to behave and get on with others by copying you. Here’s your chance to teach your child how to be kind and friendly just by being that way yourself.

Keep a sense of humour - it can be hard to be amused when you see your keys being thrown down the toilet, or the toilet roll being unravelled halfway around the house. Your patience will be tested when your baby goes back to the TV knobs for the 100th time, or tips the vegetable purée on the floor. Where possible, try to see the funny side of your older baby’s antics. Take a photo and think about saving up these memories to share at your child’s 18th birthday party. Remember, this phase is over all too soon.

Be realistic Don’t expect too much, too soon. It’s normal for a six-month-old baby to mess about with food, and it’s normal for a baby enjoying being on the move to want to touch everything. Babies will make lots of ‘mistakes’ because of their immaturity and lack of experience, it’s all part of how they learn.

All children gradually need to have limits set for them. It’s never OK, for example, to bite a brother or sister or to pull a friend’s hair.

For some babies it’s enough to say “don’t touch the video” or “please stop doing that”. Others will have to be physically lifted away. Always explain why the behaviour is not OK.

Remember, your baby learns by trial and error. She doesn’t know behaviour will annoy you. She only thinks “if I try doing this I wonder what will happen”, not “if I do it, I can make mummy and daddy mad”.

Quick tip Guiding and setting limits is not the same as punishment - it’s gradual teaching about how to behave, and it all takes time.

HIV is a virus that damages a person’s immune system, the body’s defence against disease. This factsheet explains how the virus is transmitted, the treatment options and how you can protect yourself against infection.

What is HIV? HIV stands for human immunodeficiency virus. A person infected with HIV is infected for life - there’s no cure.

Over time, as the immune system weakens, a person with HIV may develop rare infections or cancers. When these are particularly serious, the person is said to have AIDS.

How’s it transmitted? HIV can only be passed on if infected blood, semen, vaginal fluids or breast milk get inside another person’s body.

The two main ways in which a person can become infected are:

Vaginal or anal sexual intercourse (without a condom) with an infected person

Using a needle or syringe that’s already been used by someone who’s infected

An infected pregnant woman can also pass the virus to her unborn baby, before or during the birth, or through breastfeeding. Improved treatment and care for women with HIV means far fewer children are now born with HIV.

Other potential routes of transmission include:

Giving and receiving first aid, although transmission will only occur if significant amounts of HIV-infected blood pass from one person to another

Contact with used needles and syringes, if infected blood is transferred

Giving and receiving oral sex, although there are very few proven instances of this, and usually transmission will only occur if a person has cuts or sores in their mouth

Seeing a dentist, doctor or nurse, although it’s extremely rare for HIV to be passed from a healthcare professional to a patient, as all medical instruments are sterilised or used only once

In extremely rare cases, through fighting or biting

Kissing, although generally this won’t pass on HIV as saliva doesn’t contain a high enough concentration of HIV, and the only risk would be if both people had noticeably bleeding cuts and sores in their mouths

Sport, if HIV-infected blood gets into a wound or cut

The risk of transmission through any of the above is small, but it exists so care should always be taken.

Although blood transfusions and use of blood products are a potential route of transmission, all blood and organ donors in the in Kenya are screened for. Other countries may not have the same standards as Kenya, so always check if you’re travelling outside the Kenya.

You can’t get HIV… from hugging, kissing, sneezes, coughs, sharing baths or towels, swimming pools, toilet seats or from sharing cups, plates or cutlery, and you can’t get HIV from any animal or insect, including mosquitoes

What are the symptoms? There are no immediate signs or symptoms after infection. Research has shown that after a few weeks some people experience flu-like symptoms, but these usually go undiagnosed. The only way to know if you have HIV is to be tested.

Getting tested If you’re worried you could have caught HIV, it’s important to get tested. The test is free and available from VCT clinics in Kenya or from hospital near you, these services are completely confidential.

The test looks for HIV antibodies in the blood. It takes three months for antibodies to develop, so if you test soon after possible infection the result may be inaccurate. A second test at 12 weeks after possible risk to the virus will give you a conclusive result.

A trained counsellor will explain the test procedure and discuss possible results. You normally have to wait one week for a result.

Myth: Now better treatments are available, HIV isn’t a very serious problem.

Fact: If you’re diagnosed with HIV it is almost certain that you’ll eventually need to take anti-HIV drugs every day for the rest of your life. Unpleasant side-effects range from diarrhoea to changes in body shape. HIV can become resistant to the treatment, which means you have to switch drugs and, eventually, some people are left with no alternative drugs. AIDS still kills thousands of people in western countries.

What’s the treatment? There’s no cure for HIV, but there are drugs called antiretrovirals that can help prevent someone infected with HIV from becoming ill. These drugs can significantly increase the life expectancy of someone with HIV. The drugs must be taken every day for life, otherwise the treatment will stop being effective and the person affected may become ill.

Treatment consists of taking several drugs together, which is known as combination therapy. Typical combinations include two drugs from the NRTI group (nucleoside reverse transcriptase inhibitors, also known as ‘nukes’) plus an NNRTI (’non-nuke’) or a protease inhibitor.

Newer types of antiretrovirals such as entry inhibitors are usually reserved for people who have to switch treatments because of side-effects, or because the first drug combination stops working.

Research continues around the world to develop a HIV vaccine. Progress is being made, although it’s likely to be a number of years before such a treatment is widely available.

Advice and support Go to your doctor, a genitourinary medicine clinic or a sexual health clinic. All services are confidential.

Myth: If you’re taking antiretroviral drugs then you can’t transmit HIV to other people.

Fact: Antiretroviral drugs affect parts of the body in different ways, so even if you have very low levels of HIV in your blood your sexual fluids may be much more infectious. If you have HIV, you must always avoid unprotected sex.